A Christmas Tragedy
- Santa Shot Down
- Christmas Delayed
Bjorn Jorgensen
Black Hills Gazette
Commanchee Pass, SD
Santa Claus, internationally beloved icon of the Christmas season, is in intensive care at a local hospital, in critical condition, after reportedly being blown out of the sky, with his sled and eight tiny reindeer, by an angry member of an ultra-radical Islamic terrorist "sleeper" cell, who used a shoulder fired missile in the attack.
 Photo of Bubba (a.k.a. Amal) and Santa supplied by BATF
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According to BATF agents, they believe that the shooter, is actually an Islamic "sleeper" terrorist named Amal Skrudup, who has spent the last 40 years masquerading as a Lutheran, Black Hills farmer named "Bubba". However, Bubba's grandmother came forward to assure us that Bubba was born and raised in Commanchee Pass and didn't even own a towel, let alone wear one on his head. Even so, BATF agents cling to their assertion that Bubba is actually Skrudup and challenged us to produce evidence that Bubba has any relatives living in South Dakota. Interestingly, since that time, we have been unable to locate any of Bubba's relatives, including his grandmother.
BATF agents went on to tell us that, under provisions of the USA Patriot Act, they had received numerous Suspicious Activity Reports from his bank, for suspicious activities ranging from joining subversive organizations, such as the National Rifle Association, the Gun Owners of America and the Libertarian Party, to donations to Americans for Fair Taxation and a local property rights group.
They now tell us, Bubba is holed up in a cabin in the mountains, threatening to shoot the remaining two reindeer if his manifesto is not published in the New York Times. There were initially four surviving reindeer, but agents say that Bubba discovered that Prancer and Comet were queer for each other and shot them both "for good measure."
At this time the BATF, along with SWAT teams from the FBI, DEA, FDA, IRS, EPA, EEOC, HUD, and the Surgeon General's office, have the cabin surrounded and reports that Bubba is accompanied by two other dangerous terrorists; his 4 year old son Elmer and his 6 year old daughter Francine (Islamic names unknown). However, BATF agents are reportedly taking their toll on Bubba's forces. Just shortly after noon today, before arrival of the other agencies, BATF agents shot and killed two of Bubba's accomplices.
Bubba's common law wife and second cousin, 41 year old Doreen (no last name given) was shot 47 times as she charged authorities firing an automatic weapon. Unfortunately, the weapon now appears to be missing, but BATF agents assure us that they will produce one, when the seige is over.
The local coroner initially reported that it was rather unusual that all of the exit wounds were in the front of Doreen's body, since BATF agents claimed that she was charging them, when she was shot. However, attempts to contact the coroner for further comment revealed that Commanchee Pass has no coroner and what we remember as the coroner's office, earlier today, is now a trendy coffee house that doesn't seem to fit in Commanchee Pass. Also, it now seems that nobody knows where Doreen's body was taken. BATF officials seem strangely unconcerned about the missing body.
Also killed was Bubba's 5 year old son, Bubba, Jr., who BATF agents say was heavily armed and perched in a sniper's blind in a nearby tree. BATF agents deny charges that Bubba, Jr. was actually only playing a hand-held video game in a tree-house.
When asked if they could show reporters any of the evidence they had collected, Chief BATF agent Joseph Mengela, III stated "That's not the way we work. After we bring this terrorist down, we'll make sure that there's plenty of evidence for you to see."
According to BATF agents, Bubba claims that the reason that he shot Santa Claus is because Santa is a symbol of a decadent western religious holiday and besides, he didn't leave the fully automatic AK-47 that Bubba, Jr. had requested for Christmas last year. However, before reporters were pushed back from hearing distance of the cabin, Bubba was reportedly yelling that he didn't shoot Santa and that Santa was actually taking surveillance photos for the NSA.
Santa's Public Relations elf, Claude, denied the allegation that Santa was working for the NSA, stating that, "The two boxes attached to the underside of the sleigh are not high-resolution cameras, as Bubba claimed, but are actually battery compartments for Santa's new electric seat warmer. Claude went on to say that if the Homeland Security Act had made provisions for Santa to have a gun in the cockpit, Santa would have been able to defend himself.
When asked if reporters could see the sleigh, a man in a dark suit, sunglasses and an earphone in his ear, stepped forward and cut the interview short saying, "The sleigh will not be released until the NTSB has had a chance to finish examining the sleigh and its flight data recorder, in their crash investigation facility. That is all." However, we have been unable to find anyone at the NTSB who knows the whereabouts of the sleigh. Furthermore, an NTSB logistics clerk, whose job it is to log in all aircraft under investigation, assured us that not only did the NTSB not have the sleigh, but it was not on their list of expected aircraft. Unfortunately, the line went dead about that time and further attempts to contact her have failed. It seems that she never returned from lunch.
Reports that neighbors saw a bright light rising from a nearby military base at about the time of the downing of Santa's sleigh, could not be confirmed, as those neighbors now appear to be missing, as well. Interestingly, those missing witnesses also seem to be of little interest to government officials at the scene, who insist that they have all the evidence that they need.
The only comment from the Whitehouse came in the form of an official statement from President Bush's press secretary, Dana Perino. "The President is deeply saddened by this unprovoked attack on his dear friend, Santa Claus," said Perino, "and vows that Bubba and all other terrorists will soon be brought to justice. The President wants the public to know that if it were not for the extreme limitations of the 4th Amendment, we might have known about Bubba a long time ago. But, thanks to the USA Patriot Act, granting us virtually unlimited access to every American's personal information, the 4th Amendment will soon cause us no more problems, as we will be able to profile and eliminate such citize... uh, terrorists before they become a problem."
When asked if Bubba would be tried in state or federal court, Perino stated that, "Since Bubba has been classified as a terrorist, as soon as authorities have him in custody, he will be transported to the terrorist detention facility at Guantanamo, Cuba, where he will be interrogated and eventually face a military tribunal."
In a press release issued early this afternoon, the North Pole announced that Christmas will be postponed indefinitely. In Santa's only statement to the press, before being wheeled into surgery, he responded to a question about the battery compartments on the sleigh saying, "What seat warmer?"
Watch for further news on this developing story.
Editor's note: By strange coincidence, we have been unable to locate Bjorn Jorgensen, the journalist who submitted this story, since shortly after he submitted it. When asked if they had seen Jorgensen, BATF officials not only stated that they had never seen him, but denied that any such person ever existed. Despite the fact that Bjorn is my brother, a quick check of public records confirmed the BATF assertion. A further check of the home where we thought he lived revealed that the house had, in fact, been occupied for the last 40 years by a little old lady. BATF officials attribute the belief in Bjorn's existence, by the many of us who thought he actually existed, to mass hypnosis experiments by a local Islamic terrorist cell, of which Bubba was suspected of being the leader and the BATF has graciously offered to bring in a team of counselors to deprogram those of us who were affected. It sure is nice to have such a helpful government.
— Niles Jorgensen
